I’ve decided that I’m going to attempt to write something on here every day. We’ll see if that actually happens or not. I tend to be pretty good about it in the beginning but not so good towards the end. But seeing as how these are pretty much just going to be about whatever is on my mind at the time it probably wont really matter if I keep with that schedule.

I am struggling right now and the weird part of that is that, for once, it’s not because of my inner demons and insecurities about not doing anything with my life. I am struggling because I finally have a goal and drive to do something and it feels as if everything is dragging behind and I am so worried that it will all fall apart like so many other things I have worked towards. After being so confused and lost for so long, finally having something that I want to do and accomplish so badly makes me want instant gratification.

It’s like I can just feel myself running out of time. I am so tired of working a job that I don’t enjoy, a job that makes me hate getting up in the morning. And now I finally know what I want out of life and its just out of reach. I know that these things take time but I am so scared that I’m going to waste away in this job that I settled for because it pays the bills when I know that I could be doing so much more.

I think the biggest struggle has been the idea that even though I finally have this goal its not going to all fall into place. For years I believed that if I could just find that one thing then my life would instantly get better. Dont get me wrong it has significantly improved, but I find myself just wanting to get things started already. I want people to realize that this is a really cool thing that Phoebe and I are attempting and that they should be a part of it. I knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be an overnight success and I knew that it was going to be work and frankly I love that work. It’s just hard when you have to work a second job on top of that.

I have been applying for jobs with non profits and organizations that do charity work because I know that this project with Phoebe is going to take time to get up and going and I would love to be making connections and networking in the non profit world in order to help speed that along but so far I haven’t had much work. Hell I’ve been struggling just to find places to volunteer that will actually email me back!

It’s just that I know that we have these amazing ideas and I know that they could do so much good for our communities, especially during these times. The problem is that these days the idea isn’t enough. These day’s you have to have money, or popularity, or networking to get an idea off of the ground and that is what we are struggling with finding. We did the same thing with our non profit chapter back home. We had so many ideas and wants to improve that community but when you have no connections it’s hard to do so. And I am so lost on how to find those connections.

Sometimes I really wonder if I had just gotten my brain to cooperate earlier, if I had just figured out all of this while I was in school, could we already have this project up and running? Could we already be improving our world? But then I think that things happen for a reason, and if I hadn’t struggled so long to discover this part of me would I truly appreciate it? If we work so hard on this project and it finally becomes what we dream it to be, isn’t that better than just being handed the answer?  I don’t know the answer to these questions, but since I don’t have anyone handing me the funds or the network to get this done I guess were going to find out the hard way.

-M

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